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Post by True Patriot on Nov 21, 2010 22:03:40 GMT -5
Here is my entry...
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
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Post by Occupant on Mar 5, 2011 19:32:38 GMT -5
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Faith and begorah, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
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Post by True Patriot on Mar 5, 2011 20:50:54 GMT -5
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Faith and begorah, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!' I'll have what he's having... 8-) |
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Post by Renarde on Apr 19, 2011 14:41:42 GMT -5
Two married ladies got together for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights out have got to stop - I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.'
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Post by True Patriot on Apr 19, 2011 21:30:23 GMT -5
 .....Ouch! I added a video for my joke...You got one for yours? 8-)
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Post by True Patriot on Apr 19, 2011 21:40:54 GMT -5
According to Wikipedia this is the World's second funniest joke. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!" |
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Post by Jimmie the Pen on Apr 22, 2011 16:32:10 GMT -5
AN ELDERLY COUPLE GO TO THEIR DOCTOR FOR THE CHECKUPS.
THE DOCTOR EXAMINES THE HUSBAND FIRST. AFTER THE TESTS AND EXAMINATION, THE DOC GIVES HIM A THUMBS UP. HE TELLS THE HUSBAND THAT HE IS DOING GREAT. NOT GREAT FOR AN 80 YEAR OLD, BUT FOR A MAN OF ANY AGE. THE DOCTOR SAYS HE IS PLEASED AND WANTS TO KNOW IF THERE IS ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE ADDRESSED.
THE OLD MAN SAYS THAT ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AND THAT GOD TAKES CARE OF HIM. WHEN HE GETS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO PEE, GOD TURNS THE LIGHT ON FOR HIM. WHEN HE IS FINISHED, GOD TUENS THE LIGHT OFF. THE DOC DOES NOT PURSUE THIS ANY FARTHER AND HAS THE HUSBAND DRESS AND GO TO THE WAITING ROOM.
AFTER HE EXAMINES THE WIFE, WHO WAS ALSO IN GREAT HEALTH HE INQUIRES IF EVERYTHING IS OK WITH HER HUSBAND. SHE STARTS TO WORRY AND ASKS IF HER HUSBAND IS DYING.
"NOT AT ALL. HE IS IN EXCELLENT HEALTH BUT HE SAID THAT WHEN HE GETS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO PEE, GOD TURNS THE LIGHT ON FOR HIM. WHEN HE IS FINISHED, GOD TURNS THE LIGHT OFF FOR HIM."
"OH, THE SILLY ASS", BLURTS OUT THE WIFE, "HE IS PEEING IN THE REFRIGERATOR AGAIN! ! ! ! !"
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Trish
Professor
Sunshine
Posts: 953
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Post by Trish on Apr 25, 2011 6:59:09 GMT -5
These are awesome  |
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Post by Occupant on May 25, 2011 21:46:20 GMT -5
A man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he was going at this late hour.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body and social relations".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who on earth is giving such a lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies simply, "My wife."
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Post by True Patriot on May 25, 2011 21:56:00 GMT -5
How did you know I was drinkin' a beer? My favorite clean joke of all times is... What are a redneck's famous last words? Hey ya'll watch this!
Everytime I tell that joke I can see some guy on the roof with a bicycle and a beer. |
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Birdie
Lecturer
Pilgrim
Love is Tweet!
Posts: 771
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Post by Birdie on May 31, 2011 8:44:48 GMT -5
Billy Bob & the John Deere
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from His body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob."But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you!
Read the last line again, slowly.)
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Post by Occupant on Jun 7, 2011 19:51:55 GMT -5
That cracked me up Birdie!!!
Adult Humor Alert....
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Birdie
Lecturer
Pilgrim
Love is Tweet!
Posts: 771
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Post by Birdie on Jun 7, 2011 21:47:37 GMT -5
Dang, I missed that last time it was in Kansas City.  |
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Post by True Patriot on Jun 7, 2011 23:06:51 GMT -5
I don't get it.
I think the solution made a lot of sense.
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Post by Occupant on Jun 8, 2011 19:27:04 GMT -5
Guys are so practical! LOL
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought an extraordinary talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......
The centipede shouts back, "Quit yelling, I heard you the first time, I'm putting on my dang shoes!"
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Post by True Patriot on Jun 8, 2011 20:52:24 GMT -5
We used to have game we played with our friends who were like some of the obnoxious members we know on other forums. ie: Into group think/can't think for themselves.
We would get our mark to laugh at something that, was in fact, not funny.
The one I remember was about a mouse in a cafe that runs down the counter and drinks a little bit of coffee and a eats little bit of doughnut while patrons go to a jukebox.
Finally a big truck driver/ Hell's Angel etc. comes in and demands a big cup of coffee and a big doughnut and while he is putting his fist through the jukebox, the little mouse runs across the counter and...punchline: Eats all of doughnut and drinks all of the coffee!
The trick is that everyone is in on the joke except for the mark.
Everyone laughs at the joke and instinctively so does the mark.
This of course is very funny and makes everyone laugh even louder.
Especially when the mark realizes they really don't get it.
It is actually a great manipulation lesson.
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